Archive for the ‘Big Daddy Eisner’ category

Bull Rush in Abril

April 3, 2008

Ok, I’m here. I’m alive, although I’m not sure anybody equated my death with my lack of posting. If so, you should now be feeling an overwhelming sense of relief.

• Last night I went to the Dodger game with Big Daddy Eisner and BDE’s parents, who gainfully employed me during high school. If by some chance, you’re a casual reader of this blog and need BBQ Catering in the Greater Los Angeles Area, please do go with Rosie’s BBQ. We sat in the orange (second level), which proved to be pretty good. The seats were under the overhang, but still in prime foul ball territory, which always makes things exciting, although BDE and I slightly disagree on catching technique. He opts for catching like an egg, where as I’m of the belief that you should cradle it into the body, rib injury be damned. The game sucked, it was cold, and I made myself even colder by eating an ice cream sandwich in the later innings. Also, I think Scott owes me money for parking. (I will, however, accept BBQ food in the place of money.)

• I did a video with college wrestling fans and participants a couple of weeks ago for SI. You’ve probably already made up your mind about whether this interests you, but it’s up on the new version of my site at SI Tour Guy. Hopefully in the coming months, the SI player will be upgraded so that everybody can watch videos on the site that wants to, with no problems.

• I’ve been running more and more and my body seems to be holding up. I attribute this to my listening to the Tony Kornheiser Show on the ol’ Shuffle. Nothing gets you jacked up to keep pushing yourself like a cranky guy pushing 60 who endlessly complains. Good stuff.

• There’s a Sharky’s five minutes from me that is outstanding, save for their horrible, semi-paved parking lot.

• The Ducks just opened spring practice. I did my best to explain the issues being addressed to Yackie, and I must say, she did a fairly good job of following along. What I’ve done to her may now be more clearly defined as a “near-thorough brainwashing.”

• Frozen custard in St. Louis is excellent. After getting lost (in what must be the most abandoned major city in the country), Sully and I made it to Ted Drewes, where around 60 people were eating frozen custard in 40 degree weather. The other highlight was going into North St. Louis (not East) and getting the best ribs I’ve ever eaten. Were we the only two white people in the neighborhood? Almost. Was it as bad as it was described to us? Not so much.

The best thing was returning the car immediately after eating those ribs and having the Avis employees completely flip out at how great the rib smell was as soon as we opened the door. Good folk in the StL.

• I’ve been watching season one of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job (actual title), the 12 minute sketch show on Adult Swim, and it’s pretty funny. It gets a little odd sometimes, but well worth one’s time (if he or she were to have too much of it). Friend of the blog Esa (Garbage blog, see right) recommended Frisky Dingo, also on Adult Swim. I’ve watched four episodes (12 min), also pretty funny. See, this is why I’ve been running so much, I either do nothing or kill myself doing something, I’m strange. is the best thing ever to help you do nothing. I’ve been watching Arrested Development episodes that I’ve already seen, nonstop.

“You mean he can’t even grow his own hair? C’mon!”

Oregon basketball is not so good. Next year, the team will be completely different, let’s hope Big Ern gets some new assistants, as well. Luckily, Big Mike Dunigan (incoming 5* center) won’t have to deal with those pesky Brothers Lopez. God was this year awful to watch.

• I think I’m going to start doing some new web stuff in the near future, all this time is ridiculous. Stay tuned. Or don’t. Whatever, it’s coo.

• Old friend Sam is moving to London. I ate steaks with him and other people from the Cbas last weekend. Ray Romano was there, but he seemed to want to eat with other people and not recognize that Sam was leaving. Sucker.

We went up to Sam’s office at Google around the corner, where I got way too excited about free candy and played Rock Band for the first time. I killed it on lead vox during Fall Out Boy and The Killers. EPIC.

• Yackie framed my two magazine appearances with the covers of the respective issues they appear in. The thought is great, but I now am constantly distracted by a Playboy cover in front of me with a giant painted ass. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not.

• Just so you know, navel oranges are for sure in season.

This is getting long. That’s what she said.



Under the Crazies

March 12, 2008

So this past weekend, I filmed one of my little episodes with Casey at Duke before the North Carolina game. It didn’t look like I was going to be able to get in on my non-existent media clout, as the SI credential was rightfully promised to Stewart Mandel, who I would guess would put the credential to good use by taking worthwhile notes from a good vantage point during the game. I found out that he got caught in some sort of storm in New York, so suddenly, if there was nobody else that would use the pass, it was mine. Bingo. I went from hoping to meet a desperate scalper to having to climb over the media table to get to my seat. Not bad.

I wasn’t at all prepared to take notes – I just had Casey’s computer, which was actually Candice‘s, and his man purse, which was devoid of anything respectable to write on. My pad was in my backpack, which was with Casey while he went for a return trip to Cook Out, for another milkshake. Fair enough.

My solution was to write on the one piece of paper that somehow made its way in front of me – a two-sided sheet explaining all the chants the Cameron Crazies would be rolling through, as well as the list of recruits that were at the game. I had a writer from the USA Today (respectable) on one side of me and one from the NY Daily News (tabloid) on the other, so I had to at least make an attempt to look like I belonged, as there was a placard that said in front of me. My solution was to take unreadable notes in the margins of the paper that I would be able to read a later time for a blog, but that nobody else around me could decipher and realize that I was a fraud. The ensuing is a series of bullet points of what I noticed before, during, and after the game. Let’s hope I can read at least four of these items…

• The Duke cheerleaders seemed very energetic, and it appears that the one who is standing in front of me trying to excite the student section does an ungodly number of sit-ups. I should do more sit-ups.

• One of my best friends in college (Corndog) was in the Oregon Marching Band and he had a friend who was in the Duke Marching Band. Apparently, a ton of people join the football band and sit through an atrocious season every year because being in the basketball pep band is the pot at the end of the rainbow. I can’t remember how the band was during the game, but they rocked the pre-game. Hard.

• You can’t simply walk to your seat at the media table because of the throng of Cameron Crazies smother every conceivable inch of clean air in this place. The solution here is that media types have to climb over the table from the court to get to their seats. I thought it was pretty funny to see if any of the old-timers would hurt themselves during this very basic maneuver, and then I promptly hurt something in my shoulder doing it. Damnit.

• My favorite part of the game was the pre-game. I don’t know if it was seeing semi-famous people walking around, or being excited over pretending that I belonged on the floor before the biggest college basketball game of the year, but there was an unmistakable energy in Cameron that I’ve never been a part of before. Oh, and Erin Andrews was there (scary thin, needs Carolina BBQ).

• The Manning brothers and Matthew McConaughey were apparently at the game. I don’t recall seeing anybody sans shirt, but I’ll assume this is true.

• It’s 2008, and to me anyway, it seems like people have generally evolved past the usage of your common toupee. Not so much among sportswriters. The trend is still very much alive and well on media row, in case you were wondering.

• Yesterday, because I’m very vain, I watched the game on TiVo and found myself. I’m positive it was me because I instantly found the guy who had to constantly try to look around the undercarriage of a specific ref who made it a point to set up shop directly in front of me 70% of the time on that side of floor.

Coach K‘s camp would definitely be better than Coach J’s. And remember, he a leader who just happens to be a coach. How I love commercials.

• At 8:41 in the first half, we get out first Duke flop. The flop simulation in my video makes a little more sense now, although my dad had no idea what I was talking about.

• It may have happened, but I completely missed seeing the Scheyer Face in person. Rats.

• During a TV timeout, Jay Bilas raced around the court, met up with Crazies at half court, and then got on a surfboard that was on top of Duke students who were rolling on the ground and towing the board at the game time. After the board passed over them, they jumped up and ran to the front, where they would then meet the board to tow some more. The end result made it look like Bilas (knees bent, arms out surfer style) was surfing across the court. It was pretty cool looking, but completely insane.

• Duke had a baby mascot come out to do mascot-y things. It appeared to be a seven year old with a uniform and a smaller mascot head. This was way better than the schools that try to have a male and female mascot, which should be abolished immediately.

• I wrote down, “hard dunk, i wish i could.” This seems self-explanatory.

Greg Paulus, at one point, was on fire. I couldn’t hear or see the broadcast, but I have no doubt that Dickie V probably got a little moist watching this.

• At halftime, I had a pretty good M&M cookie and some Sprite in the media room. So strange that sportswriters have a reputation of being gross and overweight…

• Another flop at 16:28 in the second half. The universe was in order.

• The big chant of the night was, “Ty-ler Tra-vels…EVERY TIME.” Well, he sort of does, but Tyler Hansbrough still got hacked for 40 straight minutes. As much as some people don’t like him, he’s exactly the type of player that every team would love to have – he gives tremendous effort, cleans up everything around the basket, and makes his free throws. The chant is still kind of true, though.

• I wasn’t that impressed overall with North Carolina. In person, I could see why they would lose to a better-coached team. There’s always five really good basketball players on the floor for the Tar Heels that can score in crazy-quick bunches, but they can be figured out.

• Duke inched its way back into the game by finally settling down and working towards the best shot. They of course then blew it by turning the ball over and forcing shots. Oops.

• As they got closer, the crowd, as it should have done, exploded with every big shot. There are a lot of reasons not to like Duke, but this was a really good home crowd.

• Jon Scheyer tried for the four point play (fake and up), didn’t get it, and probably cost Duke their final chance at closing the gap in the last minute. There had to have been a Scheyer face here, but I didn’t have the angle.

• Duke loses, people are sad, I leave immediately to meet Casey to beat the crowd and get to a bar to watch the second half of the Oregon game. Oregon wins, all is well.

I should have a legitimate pass to an event coming up soon, so I’ll try to take some more notes if anybody likes reading these long-ish posts. At the very least, Yackie probably will, and Sully and Big Daddy Eisner will hold off on demanding more blog posts.


Lake Tajoe (soft J) – parte uno

January 29, 2008

This past weekend, I went to Tahoe to snowboard (term used loosely) with Yosh Jackman, Oliver (let’s call him O.G.), Jeff (Caucasian), and Jeff (Asian). I decided to take pictures, because, well, I can do that without injuring myself, and there’s little else to do in Tahoe without running the risk of injury. To my knowledge, I have no contracts associated to my name that include any Vladamir Radmanovic or Kellen Winslow clauses, so I should be alright. Let’s get photo-dancin’.

The view from the LAX-Reno flight. The lone flight of the weekend that took off the day it was intended to. The flight itself was uneventful, but I (and the rest of the plane) wasn’t thrilled about having to endure a loud five-way conversation between the ladies going to a bachelorette party. NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHO CAN AND CAN’T SETTLE DOWN, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU MAKE EVERYONE LISTEN WHEN ELECTRONICS AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE ON. Sorry about that.

When we got to Tahoe City, we stopped to get essentials – tortilla chips, beer, orange juice, frosted donettes. Duh. Pictured: O.G.

The next morning. O.G. and Jeff (Asian), the two most coordinated and experienced riders put on their gear and bindings in a coordinated and experienced fashion.

Yosh looked on and posed like he was drunk at 8 am. To my knowledge, he was not.

The drive to Squaw Valley. Jeff (Asian) was excited. So was half of O.G.

I still find it difficult to figure out a pose when I take a picture of myself. This pose has been loosely defined as “Apprehensive Hostage.”

That said, I tried for “Disinterested Hipster.” I think I failed, as not too many hipsters wear fleece pullovers from the Gap. I’m pretty square, kids.

Squaw was nice – the Olympics were here 48 years ago and they’ve kept it looking pretty high class. That way, you can pay hundreds of dollars to rent equipment, take lessons, and end up wondering if you’re single-handedly putting the children of Advil workers through Ive League schools.

Pre-board. Check out the uber-focus by Jeff (Asian).

Jeff (Caucasian)! He had a pretty good day until he hit a soft spot and needed ski patrol to help him find a ski that went flying off somewhere. And he’s good on snow, I can’t imagine what will happen to me if I keep convincing myself to go up and continue with snow sports.

Jeff (Asian) laughing to himself near the Olympic rings. To this day, nobody knows why.

O.G.’s cinnamon roll. Why did I take a picture of this? I have no idea. He seemed to enjoy it.

The view from the gondola up to the runs. Years ago, when I went with Big Daddy Eisner‘s family, the gondolas only sat four and swayed back and forth to the point where I had to start singing “American Pie” to calm myself down. I’m proud to say that I have significantly improved as a man since then.

I can’t say for sure, but this child may have passed me multiple times on the slopes and will probably mock me to all of his pre-kindergarten friends. Bastard.

If the urge ever comes over you to spend time in a room that smells like tens of thousands sweaty feet mixed with bad odor spray, by all means go rent snowboarding equipment.

My steed. She held up well, never gave up on me, and I even got her to look somewhat respectable by the end of the day. Booya.

Lunch. Sadly, nobody met Nooch. We did get to eat with Yosh’s instructor, Lars, who happily told us all the things he will be or we should be drinking. He recommended the ManMosa (mixing Budweiser and orange juice), and almost took too much pleasure in saying “ManMosa.”

After lunch. I somehow managed to master getting off the lift, which was important for me, mostly so I could secretly judge and be annoyed by people who couldn’t.

Wutup homes.

Tomorrow – parte dos.

Bowl Time…Still? (part 2)

December 4, 2007

I get nervous just thinking about how huge this year’s GMAC will be.

Alright, now we’ll get into the bowls that REALLY don’t matter. Supposedly some of these games are supposed to mean something, but don’t be fooled, they’re being played because somebody’s gotta play in them, or else we’d have some sort of playoff on an equal playing field based on merit. Wouldn’t want that, would we? And yes, my bitterness factor has soared to levels unseen before Dennis Dixon’s unfortunate ACL incident.

Brut Sun Bowl – El Paso, TX – Dec 31
South Florida vs Oregon

This game means the most and the least to me personally. Supposedly El Paso is sort of dump-ish, but that won’t stop literally hundreds of people from attending this game.

When Oregon had to rely on a backup QB who doesn’t run (in a spread offense) and a series of redshirt freshmen who played all year on the scout team, they couldn’t really “play football effectively.” That said, they still should’ve beaten Arizona and probably UCLA. They’re completely decimated physically and mentally, which isn’t all that great of a place going into a bowl game, no matter the insignificance.

South Florida beat some teams that were supposedly good, but weren’t as good as they probably should’ve been (Louisville, Auburn) and lost to decent teams. The Big East is pretty terrible, so it’s hard to tell how good they are, and i’m not sure beating Oregon makes a case for them either way.

I just want this game to be over with.

Gaylord Hotels Bowl – Nashville – Dec 31
Kentucky vs Florida State

Right off the bat, it’s always fun to have the word “gaylord” somehow involved in a bowl game. There appears to be many Gaylord options in Nashville, and size doesn’t matter, as you can stay in any Gaylord in the area, big or small, and have a good time.

Andre Woodson, the Kentucky QB, is pretty good, and Kentucky beat LSU in triple OT. They didn’t lose to anybody terrible, but they’re not all that great. Rich Brooks gets bonus points for getting a field named after him after he left Oregon, but that doesn’t really count for anything.

Florida State is not that good at college football. I used to really like watching the old FSU teams, but the recent FSU offense is matched only by the likes of Calabasas High School in its ineptitude (Go Coyotes!)

I’ll probably instead be watching a rerun of Two and a Half Men and I happen to think Two and a Half Men is a pretty unfunny show.

Insight Bowl – Tempe, AZ – Dec 31

Indiana vs Oklahoma State

Remember the good ol’ days of college football when this was the Bowl? I guess they sold the rights to their “.com” to Papa John. That John sure is a marketing genius, isn’t he?

Indiana loaded up on nobodies and became bowl eligible! Yay!

I saw three quarters of Oklahoma State live against Georgia and they looked like they should be good, but they weren’t all that good upon closer inspection. They had a slighty above-average season in a Big 12 conference that isn’t all that impressive, so who knows. Bonus points, though, for a crazy coach, who, and I don’t know if you’ve heard, is 40. Go at him, he’s a man.

The game’s in Tempe, so at least you know somebody’s leaving the bowl with sores or burning sensations, so that’s always fun.

Chick-fil-A Bowl – Atlanta – Dec. 31
Clemson vs Auburn

First of all, I don’t get to have it that often being in LA, but Chick-fil-A is excellent. I’ve probably only had it two or three times in my life, but it’s always in the back of my mind whenever I’m in the south. And yes, I’m strange.

Clemson has two really good running backs, lost to a bad Georgia Tech team (in Atlanta), lost to an overrated Boston College team at home, and lost to a good Virginia Tech team. They’re also coached by a Bowden, so take that for what it’s worth.

The best thing that happened to Auburn all year is that they beat Florida (twice at the end) and their kicker did the Gator Chomp all over the field. Terrific. Unfortunately, they lost to Mississippi State and South Florida (one of 78 former #2 teams). Neither of those teams is bad, but Auburn should be beating those teams year in and year out soundly.

As for the game, I could be convinced to watch it if I had some actual Chick-fil-A (second only to Bojangles Chicken) in front of me.

Outback Bowl – Tampa, FL – Jan. 1
Wisconsin vs Tennessee

It’s New Years Day, so you know what that means…only one Pac-10 team plays thanks to Tom Hansen’s brilliant bowl alignments! Ok, I got that out of me…

Wisconsin was supposed to be good, but didn’t play outside of the Big 10’s reputation for 2007. They were wildly overrated, played decent defense, had a fairly uncreative and uninteresting offense, and lost to the decent teams they played. PJ Hill, their starting RB, is good, but beyond that, this is a boring Big 10 team. Sorry.

Tennessee lost to Cal, which in retrospect, must be pretty embarasssing for both the team and the SEC. Oh well, Cal was better and healthy then. Tennessee benefited from an SEC East that was pretty inconsistent, with the Volunteers being the least inconsistent, but not necessarily consistent, if that makes any sense. They also got embarrassed by a three-loss Florida team and shellacked by an average (if even that) Alabama team.

This is one of those games that Wisconsin probably wins, mostly because Big 10 teams seem to care about winning inconsequential bowl games and lay giant eggs in big ones.

AT&T Cotton Bowl – Dallas – Jan 1
Missouri vs Arkansas

How dare Missouri beat Illinois and Kansas (two BCS bowl teams), only lose to one team (BCS bowl team, Oklahoma, twice), and finish ahead of five teams that got BCS bids! They soundly beat everyone they were supposed to beat and lost to Oklahoma. No shame in that. Missouri has nothing to prove and will probably mail in this game. College Football!

Arkansas has, with apologies to a healthy Oregon backfield, the best duo of RBs in the country. The Razorbacks aren’t bad, but they’re not all that great, either. Luckily, they’re playing a team that doesn’t want to be there, so they’ve got that going for them.

I’m going to miss Houston Nutt, if not just for him being the subject of the ESPN article about the psychotic Arkansas fans that used the Freedom of Information Act to track his every communication. SEC Fans: Taking College Football Way Too Seriously since 1932.

Gator Bowl – Jacksonville, FL – Jan 1
Texas Tech vs Virginia

I enjoy this matchup, just because you get to see two crazy coaches on the same field. By all accounts, Al Groh is crazy curmudgeon, and Mike Leach is a conspiracy theorist who at one point was obsessed with vikings, but continues to be obsessed with a pass-happy spread offense.

Virginia has Howie Long’s son, who is apparently really good. They also barely beat a bunch of mediocre teams. Additionally, they seem to have the softest fan base this side of Westwood, so there’s that.

I might watch this game for the off-chance that Mike Leach goes completely insane.

Captial One Bowl – Orlando – Jan 1
Michigan vs Florida

I haven’t been predicting scores or anything, but this could be the no brainer of the bowl season. Florida should beat the Wolverines by 45, which of course means Michigan will win somehow.

Michigan really isn’t that good at all and I’m not sure they really have anything to play for. It turns out that Chad Henne is only pretty good, not the world beater he supposedly was in the Big 10. Mike Hart, though, I think is a legit RB, albeit one who never appears to blink.

At the very least, there should be at least one Urban Meyer/Dan Mullen ridiculous play call along the lines of “Triple Reverse Statue of Liberty Fumblerooski.” Always fun.

Rose Bowl – Pasadena, CA – Jan 1
Illinois vs USC

Big Daddy Eisner went to Illinois and is very excited that the Illini went from a two win season to the Rose Bowl in one year. He seems to care not that the Illini have earned a trip to the Capital One Bowl and received a Rose Bowl bid, thanks to the generous Rose Bowl committee, who I assume were all old enough to read about Spanish-American War as it was happening. Hurray for Pac-10 vs Big-10, no matter how ridiculous the actual match-up. The Big-10 gets two BCS bids because they pad their schedules better than anyone else! Huzzah!

USC is healthy. Juice Williams is good and will be even better the next couple years, but after January 1, he may get terrible flashbacks every time he hears the word “Maualuga.”

This game, along with the national championship, encapsulates everything that’s wrong with the college football postseason. See you there!

Allstate Sugar Bowl – New Orleans – Jan. 1
Hawaii vs Georgia

I actually have no problem with Hawaii being here. They did everything within the system to get here. Sure, they barely got by terrible teams (Washington, San Jose State, Louisiana Tech, gave up 37 to atrocious Utah State), but they won and did what they needed to do in a flawed system. It also helps that they played nobody (but supposedly tried to) outside of their conference. Another bright, shining reason for a playoff.

I was hoping Georgia would make the national championship after not even making their own conference championship (just to screw everything up), but alas, they did not. I don’t even know who I want to win – if Hawaii wins, we get more non-BCS schools padding their schedules and proving nothing until January, if Georgia wins, Hawaii is the fraud we’ve all thought they were all along.


Tostitos Fiesta Bowl – Glendale, AZ – Jan 2
Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Both of these teams looked beatable all year and were in that elite contender category without either being all that great and invincible.

Oklahoma lost to two unranked teams and West Virginia turns the ball over and is fairly injury prone, especially Pat White.

This game may be somewhat interesting – at least you have two good teams playing in a bowl they both deserve to be in. This year, that’s more than you can say about any other BCS game, so I’ll take it.

Note to West Virginia – practice the hook and ladder and statue of liberty all month long.

FedEx Orange Bowl – Miami – Jan 3
Virginia Tech vs Kansas

Year in, year out, Virginia Tech manages to play well in a conference that doesn’t pose too many challenges. They beat the decent teams and generally fold against the respectable ones. I have no idea how good they are.

Luckily, I have even less idea about how good Kansas is, as they lost to the one respectable team they played all year. Luckily, this somehow gets them an invitation to the Orange Bowl. The lesson learned here is always play substandard competition and hope everyone in front of you gags away their collective seasons, as was the case this fall.

This mess of course is being brought to the OB.

International Bowl – Toronto – Jan. 5
Rutgers vs Ball State

I know what people want to see after three BCS games…uh, inferior teams? This game poses one very important question: Will either David Letterman or Tony Soprano make their way up to the Great White North? If not, I probably won’t be watching. Actually, even if they do, I probably won’t watch. Sorry.

GMAC Bowl – Mobile, AL – Jan. 6
Bowling Green vs Tulsa

This game goes to show you just how awesome having 32 bowls is. I mean, how else were we going to see who’s better between Bowling Green and Tulsa. With all the pundits choosing sides, it’ll be nice to settle this epic battle on the field. No more smear campaigns and rumor-mongering, just good old necessary football matchups, like Bowling Green vs Tulsa.

Bowling Green beat Minnesota, but remember, EVERYONE did. Tulsa beat BYU and Houston, both reasonably impressive victories in dominant fashion.

I like the Golden Hurricane over the Falcons in a close one. But really, that just came out of nowhere.

Allstate BCS Championship Game – New Orleans – Jan. 7

LSU vs Ohio State

LSU is here because they’re undefeated in regulation, duh. Oh, but yea, they lost twice in football games. Also, LSU went from 7th to 2nd because people assume they’re the best team in the country, despite what they do on the field. This is fine because, well, why not? It’s college football. LSU can be easily out-coached, but lucky for the Tigers, they play Ohio State, who has beaten, wait, who have they beaten?

Ohio State has clearly left little doubt that they’re the best team (in Ohio) this season. With dominating victories over, get this, Youngstown State, Akron, and Kent State, it’s hard to argue that they’ve had a magical season (against teams in Ohio). Add in their seven home games, a terrifying road game at Pac-10 powerhouse, Washington (last place), a loss to the only decent team on their schedule, and Ohio State has clearly done enough to prove themselves as a team of destiny (in the state of Ohio).

This game doesn’t matter. If LSU wins, what does it mean? If Ohio State wins, what does it mean? Both teams, through a combination of scheduling and fortunate reputations, have stumbled into a position to claim a trophy that, unless won in any sort of fair scheme, means increasingly little.



So that’s all I got, at least tailgating is fun.

Bowl Time…I guess (part 1)

December 2, 2007

So necessary. Somehow, the site wasn’t Hm.

Alright, I’m sure many of you (dozens!) are chomping at the bit to know exactly what’s going on in my little world through a series of bullet points and poorly thought out nicknames, but that will have to wait, because I have a bowl rundown to do so that when you (dozens of you!) wake up and go through the routine of seeing a blog that’s almost never updated, you can be surprised and have something that will kill three minutes of your December morning (or afternoon, evening, or night). There really isn’t anything I love more than college football, but if you get past the idiots screaming things like “Anything can happen!” and “Curse of the #2!” and “I’m actively comparing Alabama football to Pearl Harbor!”, you’ll realize that this season kind of sucked. Let’s continue with the bowl rundown:

San Diego Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl – San Diego – Dec. 20
Utah vs Navy
Unless Navy isn’t bowl eligible, they play here because of the Navy base in San Diego. I never really watch this game, but it’s cool to flip to see all the sailers and seamen (tee hee) come out and do Navy-like things while cheering on the Midshipmen. I have no idea what a midshipmen is.

Utah embarassed UCLA, and unless you played your fifth string QB for the majority of the time against the Bruins, your favorite team probably did or would do the same. Andy Ludwig, who used to be the offensive coordinator for the Ducks, now calls the plays here. Expect oodles of bubble screens.

R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl – New Orleans – Dec. 21
Memphis vs Florida Atlantic
I don’t know too much about these teams and I know even less about what the hell R + L Carriers is. Luckily, I don’t care enough to even Google it.

This is one of three bowl games in New Orleans, so to all those FAU and Memphis fans, go buy some gumbo and try not to pee too much in the streets, it’s the least you can do.

Florida Atlantic scored 20 points against Florida and they even beat Minnesota. This would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota played in the 2007 Big 10 (11) conference. Bowl – Birmingham, AL – Dec. 22
Southern Miss vs Cincinnati

I’m assuming it’s the “.com” bowl because Papa John wants you to know that you can order his pizza online. Who cares? This pizza goes right through me, so it makes no difference to me. I’ll stop with the digestive sidebar.

Cincinnati embarassed a fully-functioning Oregon State team on national television, but really isn’t that the OSU calling card for early in the season anyway?

Southern Miss played a ton of directional and satellite campus schools – Tennessee-Martin, East Carolina, Central Florida, UAB, and UTEP.

I’ll probably watch this for six minutes to hear people say over and over again and sound like tools.

New Mexico Bowl – Albequerque – Dec. 22
Nevada vs New Mexico

I briefly worked with Nevada’s punt returner and his brother at Rosie’s BBQ in high school. His name is Alex and he seemed like a good guy. Last year, he tore his ACL on a punt return in their bowl game, so maybe he can get on the field this time and not hurt himself. I will say, though, getting hurt on ESPN, especially if you don’t play a lot, ensures you of plenty of screen and sideline reporter attention. Way to go, Alex!

I’d say New Mexico has an advantage here, but they may drastically underestimate the will and power of Nevada’s punt returner (just don’t go for the knees, Lobos!).

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl – Las Vegas – Dec. 22

UCLA beat BYU earlier in the year and nobody really cared. And they get to play again!! Tune in as Karl Dorrell coaches his last game for the Bruins and the ESPN announcers talk about how Oregon crapped their pants last year against BYU and that BYU can compete against Pac-10 teams. Also, BYU players are old. I’m getting tired just thinking about how little this game matters.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl – Honolulu – Dec. 23
Boise State vs East Carolina

The only real thing appealing here is the combination of people from Idaho and North Carolina getting together in what appears to be a borderline-dangerous tropical stadium to watch slightly above average football. I enjoy that Fresno State fans were concerned for their safety here, so you know it actually has to be pretty scary in that area because Bulldog fans are generally, well, psychopaths.

Also, these two teams have ugly uniforms (this coming from an Oregon fan), so that’s always fun. The UniWatch guy at ESPN will probably implode if he accidentally happens upon this game while flipping around.

Motor City Bowl – Detroit – Dec. 26
Purdue vs Central Michigan

Congratulations on a great season, guys! Your reward is an all-inclusive trip to … Detroit! I know you’re particularly pumped about that, Central Michigan!

My brother went to Purdue and stopped caring about football games after his freshman year because he found delivering pizzas for Domino’s to be a booming business on Saturdays in the fall. That story had no purpose, but that’s really all I know about Purdue football beyond Drew Brees, the coach has a pretty rockin’ mustache, and they have a giant drum in the marching band.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl – San Diego – December 27
Arizona State vs Texas

This game has become the consolation prize for Pac-10 teams who may or may not have been screwed out of a bowl game they feel they deserve. ASU probably feels they deserve the Fiesta Bowl, but they haven’t really beaten anyone. Then again, Kansas got a BCS game and the best team they beat may have been Calabasas High (Go Coyotes!).

Texas seems decent, although not as good as Texas should be every year. I never really liked Mack Brown and it’s always fun to see him lose after he lobbied his team into the Rose Bowl a few years ago.

Also, just a stellar job by the Pac-10 of having the second place team play right after Christmas. Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen is the bestest ever!

At least they get to go to San Diego, which is probably the best destination of any bowl city in late December. It’s either SD or Detroit, anyway.

Champs Sports Bowl – Orlando – December 28
Boston College vs Michigan State

Well, after beating up on a bunch of nobodies early, it turns out BC wasn’t that good after all. Matt Ryan seems like a decent QB who just happened to give the game away to Florida State a few weeks ago. Oh well.

Michigan State is no longer coached by the guy who slapped himself after losing to Illinois. In all fairness, he probably made the right move there.

I’ll bet they show clips of the teams going to DisneyWorld!!

Texas Bowl – Houston – Dec 28
TCU vs Houston

TCU was supposed to be pretty good and wasn’t. Houston was supposed to be pretty good and was pretty good. This bowl game has no history (first game: 2006) and will be on the NFL Network, which will undoubtedly cause the same levels of frustration and argument between the NCAA and the major cable companies as it does with NFL games.

Oh wait, no it won’t.

Predicted Ladainian Tomlinson references: 17.

Emerald Bowl – San Francisco – Dec. 28
Maryland vs Oregon State

Oregon State should probably be in the Sun Bowl, but they were last year, so they can’t go. Good job beating Oregon in Eugene, it didn’t matter who won, because either way you just lost hundreds of thousands of dollars!

Maryland seems to be pretty good, let’s hope former Terrapin, Shawn Merriman makes the trip up the five for the game. Maybe if we’re lucky, he can do a special shoot-up right there on ESPN’s cameras and bite somebody’s head off.

Meineke Car Care Bowl – Charlotte – Dec. 29
UConn vs Wake Forest

I don’t know much about this game (which I believe makes me any American ever), but I do know that George Foreman does Meineke commercials, which seems so odd, because he doesn’t seem at all like the kind of guy to lend his name or likeness to any sort of product or company.

UConn has the fraudulent player who did the fake fair catch. I don’t know, maybe show some class and take a cue from a one Alex Rosenblum, punt return SPECIALIST from Nevada.

Tim Duncan went to Wake Forest in the 90s.

Clearly, I’ve already gotten lazy.

Autozone Liberty Bowl – Memphis – Dec. 29
UCF vs Mississippi State

UCF’s coach, George O’Leary lied on his resume and got fired at Notre Dame before coaching a game. Mississippi State’s coach has the first name Sly. Edge: Sly.

Get in the zone, Au-To-Zone. Expect that repeatedly in like four weeks if you have absolutely nothing at all better to do. Remember: clipping your toenails or figuring out your top five favorite Weezer songs counts as something to do.

(For the record: 1. Across the Sea 2. Say it Ain’t So 3. Only in Dreams 4. Buddy Holly 5. The Good Life)

Valero Alamo Bowl – San Antonio – Dec. 29
Penn State vs Texas A&M

Penn State is no good. I know this because their coaches that are under 147 years old had the players play Madden to get better with reads and decisions. After I heard this before the season started, I knew they’d be awful. And guess what? They’re not that good.

After I filmed at Penn State and while getting lost driving on Pennsylvania’s backwards highway system, I got gas at a Valero station and had a third of Casey’s spicy Doritos. This story means nothing, but it somehow connects me to Valero and Penn State in a way that doesn’t matter.

I bet they have spicy Doritos in San Antonio somewhere.

Dennis Franchione, the now former Aggie coach, emailed me and told me he won’t be coaching the team during their bowl game because he now has enough time on his hands to think about Mack Brown’s face of defeat and his Top 5 Weezer songs. Good dude.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl – Ft. Worth, TX – Dec 31
Cal vs Air Force

So, did Cal just suck and get lucky against Oregon and Tennessee or were they good and completely imploded once Nate Longshore became the only player to have ever been tackled by Oregon’s Kwame Agyeman? This is a pretty key question.

Maybe Longshore will be better by then, but keep in mind that Air Force did in fact take down the monster that is Notre Dame.

I like that a helicopter company is sponsoring this bowl (and yes, I know that they probably make the Army’s helicopters, which makes sense), because it appeals to the .0000000008% of the people watching this game that will ever consider using Bell to produce their future chopper.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl – Boise, ID – Dec 31
Georgia Tech vs Fresno St

How does this game not do everything it can to try and get Boise State to play in this game? I’ve been to Boise, I actually have enjoyed my time there (good sandwich from the Co-Op Market), but I can’t imagine why any Georgia Tech fans would want to make this trip in late December. Fresno fans, sure, I mean, anything is better than Fresno, no matter the month.

Georgia Tech was good last year. Fresno St. is better than they were last year. Sure thing: FSU will celebrate a personal foul.

Roady’s, by the way, is a chain of truck stops. Feel the excitement!

Parte Dos on Tuesday…

Fotografias, Parte Dos

July 30, 2007

This is part deux. Unfortunately, due to legal issues, I’m unable to post the pictures I just took at the Playboy Mansion celebrating The College Football Tour Guide. Sorry.

The Birthday Fiesta

Yackie made a cookie cake. If you’ve outgrown cookie cake, chances are I don’t associate with you. Efforts to convince Yackie to include my full name in frosting went unfulfilled.


You’ll notice the lovely kitchen that couldn’t possibly be mine. My parents were kind enough to let me move all my crap into the casa while waiting to move to the other coast. You’ll also notice that Sully has what appears to be a male gunt (munt?).

One of the central themes to this gala was the Chickadilla. I shouldn’t have to explain what a chickadilla is (triangular chicken finger, quesadilla hybrid), but let it be known that it trumps most other Americanized Italian fast-food appetizers. Pictured: Yackie in the midst of a chickadasm.

Big Daddy Eisner chickadasm. You’ll notice the subtlety and grace with which he eats his chickadilla. Some attribute this to his dipping choice of ranch dressing. Others say he takes Ameci‘s appetizers far too seriously. We may never know.

KtL‘s first chickadilla. I can’t say for sure, but I think Sully loves her a little more after witnessing two of his favorite things in life come together in one magical moment. Sully, in particular, is one of the biggest proponents of the chickadilla in the Greater Los Angeles Area may ever see.

See. Such style, such decisiveness. If you ask me, it’s a wonder he stayed on the market as long as he did. KtL truly has a late round steal in Kevin Sully.

When I blow out birthday candles, I make as much of an effort to appear as primate-y as possible. Just my thing.

Big Daddy Eisner, on the other hand, get’s so excited that his pits explode with anticipation sweat. Miller Time appears to be in drastic need of seconds.


The combination of too much chickadilla (some say this phenomena doesn’t exist), too much pizza, too much alcohol, too much cookie cake, and too much milk mixing with all of this wasn’t smart. I’ll save you the details of my night. We’ll leave it at saying that my religious pleas went answered, albeit barely.

The Birthday Dia

Yackie and I decided to go to Ventura for a couple hours for the ol’ 24th birthday. This is the Anacapa Brewing Co., whose greatness was discovered by Yackie and Me, and later confirmed by Sully and KtL. Rating: 5 out of 5 Steinies.

Pulled pork, duh. I get so transfixed by this sandwich that I suck out all of the light behind me. I really have no idea why it seems so cavernous behind me – it looks as if we had to know some sort of password and kill a hobo to get into this place, but I assure you, everything was on the level.

Yackie with her sandwich. She got so excited over this sandwich that she turned pale with excitement. Oh wait, never mind, standard pigmentation.

Artsy fartsy and out of focus. Just how I like it.

Hobo-killing darkness!!

When one reaches 24, he must understand that it’s probably time to start acting more adult and celebrate occasions accordingly. Or so I’m told. Here is some mini-golf and go-karting.

Yackie kept it surprisingly close, considering her lack of wingspan, upside, and athleticism. She’s got what you can’t teach (no, not heart) – sheer luck.

Her form is remarkably below-average, although she makes up for it by viciously cheating with absolutely no remorse. I should probably make a mental note of this.

I never felt weird mini-golfing that day, mostly because we were playing behind the lead singer of Nickelback‘s skinnier, terrible mini-golf playing cousin.

Unmatched focus. Sure, I may have held up some little kids looking to keep moving, but you can’t rush perfection. You just can’t.

Call me a hippy, but I stand by my separation of church and mini-golf ethos.

Look at that form. If Big Daddy Eisner were there, his pits would’ve exploded with form-envy sweat. I closed out the round late, proving once again that my upside and wingspan trumps Yackie’s ability to luck into putts and viciously cheat without remorse.

To celebrate, I sped around in a go-kart that I barely fit into. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t drive the Cole Trickle way. Rubbing=racing, just ask Big Daddy Eisner’s daddy, Big Red Eisner.

Almost the entire race was spent in second place, or as it’s more correctly coined – first place loser. Back to the drawing board I go.

Good times were had by all. I couldn’t catch the first kart, Yackie refused to kart, I bumped somebody illegally while gaining inside position, and my picture is now probably on an “Unwelcome Parties” list at Golf-n-Stuff. Oh well, there’s always next year.

Fotografias, Parte Uno

July 26, 2007

So here are some photographs and explanations taken within the last couple weeks or so. I have no exuses. Click clack.

The Beach

The beach with Yackie, Shannonanonanonanaonaonan, her boyfriend, and his buddy. You can only see the boogie boards we rocked that day (not Yackie) and the water. Not pictured: the ocean water that was streaming out of my nose for the better part of five hours.

I’m on the left with the white stripes on my bathing suit. The waves seemed decent (for me anyway), I got a couple rides, got tossed a few times, and even had the pleasure of completely mistiming a wave and getting slapped way harder than I could have ever anticipated in the back. Hilarity ensued, sort of.

Palm Springs

Yackie and I went to Palm Springs a little while ago, mainly because I got her a short getaway as a graduation gift for getting her masters. I chose Palm Springs because it meant a nice resort for not so much, considering it was 116ish in the desert. I’m such a classy guy…

…as seen here, as I’m barreling down the Hyatt waterslide with absolutely zero regard for the my or anybody else’s safety around me. I rule.

To nobody’s surprise (and by that, I mean me), Yackie didn’t attack the slide like she should have. She almost refused to go on. This girl is like 73 inside, I swear.

What’s the good of a waterslide if you can’t reveal your college sports affiliations to the immediately surrounding world? No good I say, no good.

Me opening up a can of awesome cannonball.

Yackie ripping open a smaller, similarly enthusiastic can of cannonball.

Yackie’s meal at a tremendous restaurant in Palm Desert. You won if you had the over of zero in the category of number of fried items Yackie would order. She shocked the world with her rolled taco decision.

I only shocked few with my decision to roll the dice on my first ever three item combo. All three items were stellar in taste, presentation, and their collective abilities to physically stabilize me for a good four hours.

Yackie taking down a margarita that had little to no alcohol in it. She’s usually gone after a few sips, but was coherent the rest of the evening. Well, as coherent as she gets, I suppose.

The next day at an Elephant Bar in Palm Desert, Yackie ate 70% of a mud pie that can only be described as “torso-esque.”

Sully + Me + Tennis Tournament

A little after PS, Sully and I went to the Countrywide Classic, an underwhelming men’s tennis event at UCLA.

The night started strong with a trip to The Apple Pan, a famous burger counter in the “Don’t You Even Dare Park Here” district of beautiful Los Angeles.

The burger was good, but merely above average, nothing world-shattering. I had been before with Big Daddy Eisner, but it had been awhile.

Sully putting the moves on his apple pie. Some say this sort of thing would classify as weird. Others would say really weird. In other news, my pecan pie was excellent.

Our view. We had free seats and sat in a good section. Other than James Blake nearly crapping his pants for the last 30 minutes for the match, a good time was had.

Blake serving. Not pictured: after the match ended, a group of people demonstrated “Cardio Tennis,” a set of drills intended to add more cardiovascular elements to tennis drills. The drills were bad, the players demoing them were embarrassingly bad, so needless to say, I, along with some like-minded patrons, heckled a group of excited, innocent players mercilessly. It had to be done, ask Sully.

Parte Dos, mañana.