Archive for the ‘Jackie’ category

Schweaty Balls

June 13, 2007

Hello, I haven’t posted since last week, and now I’m posting. You probably already knew this by the picture above that isn’t Edward James Olmos (but really, shouldn’t every blog picture be EJO?).

• I actually liked the end of The Sopranos, I downloaded the episode (and by this, I mean I pay full price for HBO each month because that’s the legal thing to do) and figured I got a bad copy, just like everyone else thought their cable or satellite went out. I agree with the school of thought that that last season was the viewer really seeing the world through Tony’s eyes and the quick jump to black was Tony getting shot or killed. No time to see, hear, or react to the gunshot, from wherever it came. David Chase always sort of controlled everything and I liked that he controlled the point of view and the tension in that last scene. A lot of people were upset because they invested so much time and wanted absolutely closure on Tony and the rest of la famiglia, but that’s sort of just wanting an ordinary ending for an extraordinary show. And yes, I’m totally a pretentious schmo about this.

• I really have tried to watch the NBA Finals – The Spurs are unquestionably great, but there are just too many other things to do in life that seem more interesting. High atop that list: blog about how boring watching the NBA finals is.

• I played kickball today with Yackie’s 5th grade class. It was teachers vs students – I’m neither – but the teachers were having a hard time in the field, as it was two guys (able to field) and eight women with the identical defensive skillset that can be most easily classified as “not able to catch, throw, or stop a squarely kicked handball.” I covered shortstop and immediately put the fifth grade class on notice. They only vaguely knew who I was, but I had range baby, I had range.

The only mistake I made was putting on sandals this morning, not expecting to be anything other than a spectator. This wasn’t too much of a problem until my tractionless Rainbow sandals (not produced in Rainbow, CA, but in San Clemente, CA) slipped on me and I fell under a towering pop-up at the last second, allowing the handball to bounce off of my head and let the kicker easily jog into second. Other than that, I could be counted on. Oh, the students won, mainly due to a highly-questionable score keeping job by two gymnast twins. It doesn’t matter, though, because I showed my kickball range was like woah today. Yeah, woah.

• It’s hotter than balls today.

• I’m going to the Playboy Yazz Festival with Yackie on Sunday. We’re still trying to narrow down the picnic possibilities. Most people just decide on something, we’ve got spreadsheets, cross-referencing databases and powerpoint presentations ready to go to figure this out. Our priorities are clearly in place.

Larry David and his quasi-militant wife are no longer together. I can’t even imagine how souped-up her new Prius is gonna be with all that Seinfeld syndication money she earned.

• Speaking of which, the Seinfeld where George watches a Nova special on heart attacks and then convinces himself that he’s having a heart attack the day after is so great. The same thing happened to be me, except I was 11 and 80 pounds.

Sully went up to the Eug last week to watch track and field and not eat Newman’s. It was the exact opposite of my two weekends in Eugene since graduating.

Big Daddy Eisner‘s status as a friend of the blog is in question. So far, his possible replacements include Sully’s brother (Big Sully), Yosh Jackman, and Tom Selleck. We shall see in the coming days.

Kris “Diddy” Danielson writes some of the best emails of anybody I know. I can always count on emails that reference both iMovie and handjobs in the same thought, and no, he’s isn’t editing amateur porn for a living.

My toe hurts, probably from this morning’s kickball embarrassment. Good day.


Scandinavia Knows How to Party

June 4, 2007

• So there’s one more episode of Sopranos left. The last 35 minutes of last night’s episode was downright nerve-wracking. They won’t possibly be able to tie up every loose end and open-ended plot line in 65 minutes next week, but I’m sure it’ll still be infinitely better than anything that’s ever happened on Bones or Medium. I’m too hung up on how much better Sopranos is, rather than how good it is, if that makes sense. By the way. the scene where all the strippers and bouncers come running out of the Bing naked was great, and I say that speaking beyond the nudity, although that doesn’t hurt.

Entourage loses me a little every week. It’s as if they know this and specifically named a new character (played by Adam Goldberg) Rubenstein, just to make me happy. So far, I’m on board, but soon I’ll need a Dan Rubenstein to stay fully committed.

• I make good turkey tacos. The key is using the thinnest shredded cheese possible and La Victoria Hot Taco Sauce. I’m pretty easy.

• Ernie Kent will be signing copies of the Oregon Basketball 2006-07 DVDs at the UO Bookstore this week. I don’t know if he’s personalizing them or not (my guess is no), but if he is, I want somebody to get me one that says, “Moooove, Dan, moooove. – Ernie Kent”

• I just looked down at my fingernails and thought I may have unconsiously murdered somebody, as they appeared to be bloody. Good thing I realized that it was just La Victoria Hot Taco Sauce.

Knocked Up gets a solid A from me. Tons of Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared supporting cast, Seth Rogen is great, Heigl held her own, and their was even a fantasy baseball scene. I wish I had a personalized ratings system for a movie like this. Ok, fine, I will. I give it 4.5 out of 5 Rubies. I’ve got to figure out what a Ruby looks like so I can create a visual for my rating system, but just know Knocked Up is great and you’ll get more value out of your $11 than if you went and saw Shrek or Johnny Depp.

• The new Patton Oswalt cd is still really good. It opens with a frank discussion of the KFC Famous Bowls, which somehow were considered to be famous just as they were released. I’m starting my own campaign for restaurants to prove the fame of menu items. Times will change under my watch.

• I went to Manhattan Beach on Saturday night to attend a party that coincided with the week of Sully‘s birthday (although I would not call it his birthday party). I drank most of a cup of what tasted like sweetened Drain-O and stood around uncomfortably as familiar Calabasas faces loomed nearby. I almost saw Oliver “Don’t Call me Squanto” Gunanto but left before he arrived. Yes, I gave him that nickname, it was a tennis thing.

• I did nearly 41 pushups today and expect to be wiggling my rippling pectorals in no time. That’s right, ladies.

• No word on KtL in Europe. While I was probably overreacting when I guessed that she had taken up with Richard Krajicek, Sully admitted that he’d be less hurt if KtL started a whirlwind romance with Stefan Edberg. I’m not sure why this is, my guess is Sully just has a soft spot for Scandinavian serve and volleyers.

• In a related story, Sully managed to embarass American tennis even more than the professional men did at Roland Garros, which is saying something.

• The Dodgers haven’t hit a home run since 2003. Thankfully, they got rid of Paul Konerko.

• I don’t really go there all that often, but before Knocked Up, Yackie and I went to The Cheesecake Factory and they had apparently removed my go-to sandwich from the menu. Luckily, my spirits were raised when Yackie tore through a slice of cheesecake like she hadn’t eaten since the last Dodger home run.

• Oh yes, back to the Manhattan Beach non-Sully birthday party. After the party cleared out pretty early, we (Sully, Big Daddy Eisner, future Sully roomate Josh, and I) went to some bar/club that was either very close or very far from the party. It was uneventful, save for the girl who did everything short of procreation with a happily cooperative guy on the dance floor. Seriously, it was difficult for any male within 15 feet to concentrate on anything else for a solid 25 minutes. I tried to bust a move in her general area, but she wasn’t having it. My guess is she knew that she wasn’t ready for this jelly.

I don’t know how this sort of thing begins, but I can go as far as guessing that the guy probably didn’t just go up to her and ask if she would mind dancing on him to the point where her uterus was possibly exposed. I heart clubs.

Time to keep pounding the pecs/go to sleep.

Most Greatest Post of My Life

May 6, 2007

I have been told in no uncertain terms that if I do not update this site today, my legs may be snapped into a number of different pieces. These threats are coming from people I speak to every day and know what is going on in my life in detail far greater than I go into on this site. Whatever.

• By the end of Game 5, I was ready to be done with the Lakers. It was getting ugly to watch the dysfunction on a semi-nightly basis, and frankly, I needed a break. There were too many injuries, varying gameplans, and inconsistencies to make their series at all enjoyable or a cause for immediate optimism. They need many things, but too put it as simply as possible, they need better players. Start there, and work from that point.

This guy is trying to make it to all 119 Div 1-A college football stadiums before he turns 30. He’s 23, I’m not sure where he lives, and he works at a Starbucks. He’s not going to games right now, obviously, but still the stadiums, although I’m assuming he will go to actual games during the fall. It’s like this, but with less of my nipples and more ambition.

• Last night, Sully, Jackie, and I watched Hoosiers for two reasons:

1. Jackie’s never seen it.
2. It’s Hoosiers.

Jackie was on the verge of falling asleep many times, although I think I managed to keep her as upright as possible long enough for her to ask, “Is that Jimmy Chitwood?” roughly 17 times. You heard it here first, all white people look the same.

• Today may or may not have been one of my last) trip to the Hummus Farm (aka the farmer’s market). Nothing’s definite, but since my new found appreciation for all things garbanzo (and chickpea for that matter), my life has ascended to unpredictable heights. I’m a hummus man, through and through. There, I said it. I regret nothing.

• Another recent crippling addiction is The Tony Kornheiser Show. It’s his radio show that airs on (I believe) both Washington Post Radio in DC and XM. They put up a commercial-free podcast of it on iTunes. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t run without it. The show skews older (probably >50), but for some reason, I can’t get enough. Basically, he bitches about The Sopranos, American Idol, animals, old people, young people, middle-aged people, and occasionally, he talks about sports. It’s difficult to explain, but it’s good. I’m probably insane, I don’t know.

• The winner of The Kentucky Derby is apparently illiterate, not that that really has anything to do with whipping a horse and not eating, but now I feel bad for laughing when the (horrible, tacky, uncomfortable to watch) reporter-on-a-horse rode up to him (with that idiotic helmet/broadcast antenna) and started interviewing him immediately following his victory. I laughed when he said it was the “most greatest moment of his life” while fighting back tears. I’m not a great person – this I know – but he’s won 4,000+ races apparently, he’s got to be used to putting words together for the media on some level. You know what, I stand by my laughter. There.

• Looks like Tony Parker found particular inspiration in my demand that somebody beat up a Suns player.

Chickadilla – I’ll say it now, they’re gonna take over the fast food appetizer market. You’ll see.

The Office was great last week, I’m always alright with flashing jokes, a luxurious women’s bathroom, and parts of episodes possibly being filmed at a mall 10 minutes from my apartment.

• The older Russian couple moved out of their apartment next door to us. Sully swears the guy was in the KGB and was the victim of poisoning. I think we can all agree that Sully reads too much

(I did once see him wearing camo-colored Tevas, if that’s any indication.)

Whale Thurmond III ran the hurdles yesterday for Oregon and came in IIIrd.