Archive for the ‘Olmos!’ category

Live Blog: The 2007 ALMA Awards

June 5, 2007

The American Latino Media Arts Awards.

Why not?

9:04 PMEva Longoria is hosting. She opens with a joke about thousands of Latinos showing up all in the same van and then a joke about her upcoming wedding to Tony Parker. Don’t worry, he’s there looking bored. Hopefully he has ESPN MVP to check all the latest scores and his fantasy teams.

9:06 PM – Which of these performers doesn’t belong? Los Lonely Boys, Los Lobos, Calle 13, Dashboard Confessional. Weird.

9:08 PM
Geoge Lopez has 17 women nominated for Best Supporting Actress. None of them win. I have no idea who this woman is. Apparently, she’s from Ugly Betty.

9:10 PM – Both Hurley from Lost and A.C. Slater are here.

9:14 PMPrince performs. I thought he was supposed to be a recluse, but I’m pretty sure that if I decided to throw an awards show for myself, he would show up ready to lick his guitar and shout, “Come on!!” every 39 seconds.

9:18 PM – This song will never end. George Lopez is dancing in the audience. Poorly.

9:19 PMShiela E. is rocking the timbales. I have no idea who this person is.

9:20 PM
– Prince leaves through the audience like he has to dump really badly. Can’t hold that against him, I’ve been there.

9:20 PM – Eva Longoria could not sound whiter. Strange.

9:23 PMCameron Diaz is nominated for Best Actress in a Motion Picture, so if you thought this awards show didn’t have credibility, you’re sorely mistaken my friend.

9:24 PMBeyonce is coming up. Time to pull a Prince.

9:26 PMABC has a show about celebrity impersonators starting this summer. In a related story, ANYBODY can get a job at ABC in development.

9:26 PM
– There’s no way I can keep up this pace, we’ll see.

9:28 PM – Isaac Mendes from Heroes announces that Edward James Olmos and the guy from High School Musical have tied for best TV Direction. Olmos should be sweeping these awards, but somehow can’t even win his outright. This seems to be less controversial than it probably should be. Everybody wins at the Alma Awards!!

9:30 PM
– Coming up, Carlos Mencia!! I’m going to guess that he opens
with a joke about thousands of Latinos showing up all in the same van and then a joke about his upcoming wedding to Tony Parker.

9:31 PM
– Ug, a Carlos Mencia commercial. Boooooood Light. Hilarious, that Mencia!!!

9:34 PM – I don’t really know Mencia’s standup material, but I’ve heard his first two jokes. Shoot me. He does actually make a joke about a bunch of Cubans in a boat instead of in a van. What a talent!!

9:36 PM – A white guy laughs uncomfortably. He’s there for the empenadas.

9:37 PM – Hurley from Lost doesn’t win for Best Supporting TV Actor. The ALMA Awards are a sham, A SHAM!! One saving grace, though, some guy from The Shield won, and he has a top 5 terrible mustache of all time.

9:39 PM
– Sucre from Prison Break presents and surprisingly doesn’t plead for somebody to get Maricruz out of the well. Instead, he introduces Los Lonely Boys. I like Los Lonely Boys, not because of their music, but because they have a fat, badass drummer who sings backup. I love this.

9:45 PM – Eva Longoria, in the words of Chandler Bing, could not BE more orange. She appears to BE sponsored by a road crew.

9:47 PM – A guy is rapping in Spanish and they keep bleeping him. I’m suddenly intrigued.

9:48 PM – He has women dressed as old ladies and they just stripped and revealed themselves as not old ladies. Edward James Olmos would definitely not approve.

9:50 PM – The rapper has a Drew Gooden blotch of hair on the back of his head. You can win me over with foreign expletives and blotchy neck hair. I love this guy.

9:51 PM – It’s hard to look hip playing an accordian over a rap beat. This guy absolutely does not pull it off.

9:56 PM
– To the left, to the left. Another stunner: Beyonce is oversinging. If you own this CD, consider yourself defriended.

10:00 PM – Olmos better win. YOUT CAN’T STOP OLMOS!!

10:01 PM
– No way. Olmos won…IN A TIE!! This may be my last ALMA Awards. There’s no way this can be legit. I’m beginning to seriously question if the ALMA people even count votes.

10:04 PM – One more hour. This Olmos debacle has me fading.

10:06 PM
Geoge Foreman is joining the cast of American Inventor, while Kevin Sully is wasting away in obscurity. This doesn’t seem right.

10:06 PM
– Longoria can’t be this orange. Somebody’s fucking with the white balance. Has to be.

10:08 PM
– Los Lobos with ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons. So far, Gibbons has added nothing but creepiness.

10:09 PM – Gibbons solos. Not bad, but sort of unnecessary.

10:12 PM – Los Lobos appear to be getting an award for being Los Lobos. This is fine with me, but somehow Olmos can’t get an award outright. Poor guy.

10:14 PM – Why, it’s Jay Hernandez from Hostel 2!! Of course!!

10:15 PM – The girls that stars on Ugly Betty wins Best TV Actress via satellite. She does not (somehow) tie with Edward James Olmos. I will never live this down.

10:20 PM
– A comedian with a ponytail is made a mystery meat joke. He’s already funnier than Carlos Mencia.

10:23 PM – It’s time for Lat-emo. Ladies and gentlemen, Dashboard Confessional.

10:25 PMChris Carrabba shaved buzzed his hair and is dressed like Dennis the Menace. I have no idea why he’s here, but whatever, he’s emo. Somewhere, Sully’s brother is satisfied.

10:27 PM – Somebody named Jesse Garcia won Best Actor in a Motion Picture. Tony Parker applauds politely as he realizes how whipped he truly is.

10:28 PM – He thanks the two white producers, who I’m almost positive used to be porn producers. Don’t ask me how I know, but I do. This knowledge probably replaced my knowledge of photosynthesis in my brain.

10:29 PM – There should be an award for best uniquely Spanish letter. My vote goes to “ñ,” in a slight victory over “ch.”

10:31 PM
Paris is crying behind bars according to the 11:00 news promo. Sounds about right.

10:32 PM – There’s no way this guy actually works at an El Pollo Loco. Just saying.

10:34 PM – It’s Cheech. Still no mustache, this makes no sense.

10:38 PM
– It’s the band, War, singing “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” Everybody is nodding in approval. Can’t argue with War.

10:40 PM
– They keep cutting to George Lopez loving War. Interesting note: War is made up of seven funky-looking black guys and one white guy on rhythm guitar. Sadly, I think I’ll never understand the ALMAs.

10:41 PM
– George Lopez wins an award for being George Lopez. I haven’t really seen his show, but better him than Mencia.

10:43 PM
– Lopez is sitting in on the cowbell with War to play “Low Rider,” which he calls the “Chicano National Anthem.” The Chicano National Anthem is immediately interrupted by commercials. Oh well.

10:49 PM
Terrence Howard is wearing a silver suit. In case there was any question, I can not pull this look off.

10:50 PM
Babel wins Best Picture.

10:55 PM
– Nope, I don’t really Jimmy anymore, thanks.

10:55 PM
Shaq has a reality show where he helps obese kids lose weight. By eating all of their food immediately before training camp begins.

10:57 PMHector Elizondo. You probably remember him from Exit to Eden, which starred Rosie O’Donnell, who at one point put on lingerie in the film.

10:57 PM
– He gives Ugly Betty the award for Best TV Show. On ABC. ABC. ABC. ABC. Salma Hayek just encouraged everyone with a “¡Si Se Puede!” Somewhere, Juicebox just started applauding.

10:58 PM – That’s our show. I have no idea why I spent so much time and energy doing this.

Olmos was robbed!!