Sweatin’ Bullets

Hm, I’m posting. Odd.

• I just got back from shooting an episode in Eugene at the Olympic Trials. I was sort of thrown and off my game during my first attempt to shoot because I sometimes clam up when trying to stop people to talk to them as they seem to be walking somewhere. It still feels a little strange. I’m totally cool with interrupting people’s tailgates, but the walking around thing still gets me.

Anyway, Eugene was a good time – I ate what I wanted to (Glenwood, Newman’s, Broadway), saw some folks I haven’t in awhile (K Diddy, Casey Dean Doolin, Sully, Tony) and hung out with some of Sully’s people as well. Good times all around. I won’t bore you with too much else, especially since I’m guessing you’re beyond thrilled that I’m even writing in the first place. Try not to wet yourself.

• The Dodgers are not very good at baseball and yet are in or around (depending when you read this) first place. Wha? Ned Colletti appears to be somewhat inept, but I can’t quite blame him for injuries, can I? Can I?

• It appears that Corndog is coming down for the weekend in a couple of weeks. If you’d like to see a tall dude, who is probably pale from a long Boise winter, char in LA, please do alert me.

• Casey Dean Doolin convinced Sully, K Diddy, and myself to climb Spencer Butte in Eugene after playing basketball for awhile. Hm, mistake for the ol’ every muscle in my body.

• I’ve been boogie boarding a good amount and can honestly say that I’m slightly less intimidated by bigger waves to the point where I consider myself to be slightly beyond “beginner.”

• My turkey chili recipe is coming along quite nicely. We’re still in development, but things are looking up.

• Weeds has been surprisingly good, I hope Albert Brooks isn’t done. It’s always good to have an older Jew on TV accuse everything that isn’t Jewish of being Nazi-related. Fun times.

• I finally played Wii in Eugene and my results were as follows:

Wii Bowling w/K Diddy – Tie, Win
Wii Tennis w/K Diddy – Six straight wins

Woot.

• Saw a screening for The Year One tonight with Yackie. I really did want to like it – good cast, good creative minds behind it, interesting premise, but really, it’s super-slow and completely hit and miss. Oops.

• The fantasy squad (Tepid Weiners), after nine straight wins, have dropped two straight. I’m still pretty confident, but the Weins needs to pick it up. Heh, pick it up. That’s what she said. What?

• I’ve been looping the Motion City Soundtrack acoustic EP pretty regularly. I’m still a sucker, but not nearly as emo as I probably thought I was.

• I got a PS3 and have been chugging along on the World Tour mode of Virtual Tennis 3. It takes some time, but I’ve been rocking the challenger circuit pretty hard. Yea, that last sentence is probably as nerdy as this post will probably get. NCAA ’09 in a week!

• Looks like another move shortly. Bleh.

I’m gonna go watch some Guy Fieri and pass out. Word.

Back soon?

Palabra

• I’ve been back for a couple weeks almost.
• Iron Man is really good, Indiana Jones slightly above average.
• I still have more pictures to post on Foul Balls.
• Dave has done a fairly outstanding job of cleansing himself.
• My job wasn’t too shabby either.
• The Dodgers are allergic to scoring runs.
• My turkey chili is bomb-ass.
• The fantasy squad (Tepid Weiners) is rolling hardcore.
• The Lakers are considerably better than your favorite basketball team.
• I’m about to eat brunch at some fancy place.
• I like some of the new Weezer songs.
• I had a great dinner of Indian food last night. Keema Aloo!
• O.G. is moving to Chicago. There goes my Indonesian demographic.
• Omaha in two weeks.
• We need to go back to the island! *mind blown

The above was another emo post.

Foul Balls

Hello. A quick announcement – tomorrow I leave for Virginia to help Charlottesville’s Most Trusted Sports Anchor move out of his apartment and drive back across the country (slowly) in a Penske moving truck. We’re stopping along the way at various major (and possibly minor) league ballparks and filming the whole thing.

(Also stopping along the way to film an SI.com piece)

Anyway, we’ll be trying to update daily (I know, not exactly my strongest suit) with blogs, videos, and photos from the road. I’m not exactly sure how corporate or non-corporate it will be, but at this point, it appears we won’t hold much back. I will promise this: there will be minimal taint…at most.

This will all be appearing at FoulBalls.org. Get it? See? Hilarity has already ensued.

Basically, it’ll be Dave (his name!) and I bored on the road, doing poor cannonballs in hotel pools, eating terribly, taking years off of our respective lives via food intake, and trying to get on TV at baseball games. I can’t imagine that anybody that reads this out of anything but boredom, so it’ll be right up your collective alleys. All 14 of you.

Anyway, if you feel so inclined, tell your friends, cousins, and possibly-bipolar neighbors.

FoulBalls.org

(because it has both baseball terminology and an allusion to smelly testicles right there in the title!!)

Shalom.

Under the Crazies

So this past weekend, I filmed one of my little episodes with Casey at Duke before the North Carolina game. It didn’t look like I was going to be able to get in on my non-existent media clout, as the SI credential was rightfully promised to Stewart Mandel, who I would guess would put the credential to good use by taking worthwhile notes from a good vantage point during the game. I found out that he got caught in some sort of storm in New York, so suddenly, if there was nobody else that would use the pass, it was mine. Bingo. I went from hoping to meet a desperate scalper to having to climb over the media table to get to my seat. Not bad.

I wasn’t at all prepared to take notes – I just had Casey’s computer, which was actually Candice‘s, and his man purse, which was devoid of anything respectable to write on. My pad was in my backpack, which was with Casey while he went for a return trip to Cook Out, for another milkshake. Fair enough.

My solution was to write on the one piece of paper that somehow made its way in front of me – a two-sided sheet explaining all the chants the Cameron Crazies would be rolling through, as well as the list of recruits that were at the game. I had a writer from the USA Today (respectable) on one side of me and one from the NY Daily News (tabloid) on the other, so I had to at least make an attempt to look like I belonged, as there was a placard that said SI.com in front of me. My solution was to take unreadable notes in the margins of the paper that I would be able to read a later time for a blog, but that nobody else around me could decipher and realize that I was a fraud. The ensuing is a series of bullet points of what I noticed before, during, and after the game. Let’s hope I can read at least four of these items…

• The Duke cheerleaders seemed very energetic, and it appears that the one who is standing in front of me trying to excite the student section does an ungodly number of sit-ups. I should do more sit-ups.

• One of my best friends in college (Corndog) was in the Oregon Marching Band and he had a friend who was in the Duke Marching Band. Apparently, a ton of people join the football band and sit through an atrocious season every year because being in the basketball pep band is the pot at the end of the rainbow. I can’t remember how the band was during the game, but they rocked the pre-game. Hard.

• You can’t simply walk to your seat at the media table because of the throng of Cameron Crazies smother every conceivable inch of clean air in this place. The solution here is that media types have to climb over the table from the court to get to their seats. I thought it was pretty funny to see if any of the old-timers would hurt themselves during this very basic maneuver, and then I promptly hurt something in my shoulder doing it. Damnit.

• My favorite part of the game was the pre-game. I don’t know if it was seeing semi-famous people walking around, or being excited over pretending that I belonged on the floor before the biggest college basketball game of the year, but there was an unmistakable energy in Cameron that I’ve never been a part of before. Oh, and Erin Andrews was there (scary thin, needs Carolina BBQ).

• The Manning brothers and Matthew McConaughey were apparently at the game. I don’t recall seeing anybody sans shirt, but I’ll assume this is true.

• It’s 2008, and to me anyway, it seems like people have generally evolved past the usage of your common toupee. Not so much among sportswriters. The trend is still very much alive and well on media row, in case you were wondering.

• Yesterday, because I’m very vain, I watched the game on TiVo and found myself. I’m positive it was me because I instantly found the guy who had to constantly try to look around the undercarriage of a specific ref who made it a point to set up shop directly in front of me 70% of the time on that side of floor.

• Coach K‘s camp would definitely be better than Coach J’s. And remember, he a leader who just happens to be a coach. How I love commercials.

• At 8:41 in the first half, we get out first Duke flop. The flop simulation in my video makes a little more sense now, although my dad had no idea what I was talking about.

• It may have happened, but I completely missed seeing the Scheyer Face in person. Rats.

• During a TV timeout, Jay Bilas raced around the court, met up with Crazies at half court, and then got on a surfboard that was on top of Duke students who were rolling on the ground and towing the board at the game time. After the board passed over them, they jumped up and ran to the front, where they would then meet the board to tow some more. The end result made it look like Bilas (knees bent, arms out surfer style) was surfing across the court. It was pretty cool looking, but completely insane.

• Duke had a baby mascot come out to do mascot-y things. It appeared to be a seven year old with a uniform and a smaller mascot head. This was way better than the schools that try to have a male and female mascot, which should be abolished immediately.

• I wrote down, “hard dunk, i wish i could.” This seems self-explanatory.

• Greg Paulus, at one point, was on fire. I couldn’t hear or see the broadcast, but I have no doubt that Dickie V probably got a little moist watching this.

• At halftime, I had a pretty good M&M cookie and some Sprite in the media room. So strange that sportswriters have a reputation of being gross and overweight…

• Another flop at 16:28 in the second half. The universe was in order.

• The big chant of the night was, “Ty-ler Tra-vels…EVERY TIME.” Well, he sort of does, but Tyler Hansbrough still got hacked for 40 straight minutes. As much as some people don’t like him, he’s exactly the type of player that every team would love to have – he gives tremendous effort, cleans up everything around the basket, and makes his free throws. The chant is still kind of true, though.

• I wasn’t that impressed overall with North Carolina. In person, I could see why they would lose to a better-coached team. There’s always five really good basketball players on the floor for the Tar Heels that can score in crazy-quick bunches, but they can be figured out.

• Duke inched its way back into the game by finally settling down and working towards the best shot. They of course then blew it by turning the ball over and forcing shots. Oops.

• As they got closer, the crowd, as it should have done, exploded with every big shot. There are a lot of reasons not to like Duke, but this was a really good home crowd.

• Jon Scheyer tried for the four point play (fake and up), didn’t get it, and probably cost Duke their final chance at closing the gap in the last minute. There had to have been a Scheyer face here, but I didn’t have the angle.

• Duke loses, people are sad, I leave immediately to meet Casey to beat the crowd and get to a bar to watch the second half of the Oregon game. Oregon wins, all is well.

I should have a legitimate pass to an event coming up soon, so I’ll try to take some more notes if anybody likes reading these long-ish posts. At the very least, Yackie probably will, and Sully and Big Daddy Eisner will hold off on demanding more blog posts.

Out.

Lake Tajoe (soft J) – parte uno

This past weekend, I went to Tahoe to snowboard (term used loosely) with Yosh Jackman, Oliver (let’s call him O.G.), Jeff (Caucasian), and Jeff (Asian). I decided to take pictures, because, well, I can do that without injuring myself, and there’s little else to do in Tahoe without running the risk of injury. To my knowledge, I have no contracts associated to my name that include any Vladamir Radmanovic or Kellen Winslow clauses, so I should be alright. Let’s get photo-dancin’.

The view from the LAX-Reno flight. The lone flight of the weekend that took off the day it was intended to. The flight itself was uneventful, but I (and the rest of the plane) wasn’t thrilled about having to endure a loud five-way conversation between the ladies going to a bachelorette party. NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHO CAN AND CAN’T SETTLE DOWN, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU MAKE EVERYONE LISTEN WHEN ELECTRONICS AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE ON. Sorry about that.

When we got to Tahoe City, we stopped to get essentials – tortilla chips, beer, orange juice, frosted donettes. Duh. Pictured: O.G.

The next morning. O.G. and Jeff (Asian), the two most coordinated and experienced riders put on their gear and bindings in a coordinated and experienced fashion.

Yosh looked on and posed like he was drunk at 8 am. To my knowledge, he was not.

The drive to Squaw Valley. Jeff (Asian) was excited. So was half of O.G.

I still find it difficult to figure out a pose when I take a picture of myself. This pose has been loosely defined as “Apprehensive Hostage.”

That said, I tried for “Disinterested Hipster.” I think I failed, as not too many hipsters wear fleece pullovers from the Gap. I’m pretty square, kids.

Squaw was nice – the Olympics were here 48 years ago and they’ve kept it looking pretty high class. That way, you can pay hundreds of dollars to rent equipment, take lessons, and end up wondering if you’re single-handedly putting the children of Advil workers through Ive League schools.

Pre-board. Check out the uber-focus by Jeff (Asian).

Jeff (Caucasian)! He had a pretty good day until he hit a soft spot and needed ski patrol to help him find a ski that went flying off somewhere. And he’s good on snow, I can’t imagine what will happen to me if I keep convincing myself to go up and continue with snow sports.

Jeff (Asian) laughing to himself near the Olympic rings. To this day, nobody knows why.

O.G.’s cinnamon roll. Why did I take a picture of this? I have no idea. He seemed to enjoy it.

The view from the gondola up to the runs. Years ago, when I went with Big Daddy Eisner‘s family, the gondolas only sat four and swayed back and forth to the point where I had to start singing “American Pie” to calm myself down. I’m proud to say that I have significantly improved as a man since then.

I can’t say for sure, but this child may have passed me multiple times on the slopes and will probably mock me to all of his pre-kindergarten friends. Bastard.

If the urge ever comes over you to spend time in a room that smells like tens of thousands sweaty feet mixed with bad odor spray, by all means go rent snowboarding equipment.

My steed. She held up well, never gave up on me, and I even got her to look somewhat respectable by the end of the day. Booya.

Lunch. Sadly, nobody met Nooch. We did get to eat with Yosh’s instructor, Lars, who happily told us all the things he will be or we should be drinking. He recommended the ManMosa (mixing Budweiser and orange juice), and almost took too much pleasure in saying “ManMosa.”

After lunch. I somehow managed to master getting off the lift, which was important for me, mostly so I could secretly judge and be annoyed by people who couldn’t.

Wutup homes.

Tomorrow – parte dos.

Bowl Time…Still? (part 2)

I get nervous just thinking about how huge this year’s GMAC will be.

Alright, now we’ll get into the bowls that REALLY don’t matter. Supposedly some of these games are supposed to mean something, but don’t be fooled, they’re being played because somebody’s gotta play in them, or else we’d have some sort of playoff on an equal playing field based on merit. Wouldn’t want that, would we? And yes, my bitterness factor has soared to levels unseen before Dennis Dixon’s unfortunate ACL incident.

Brut Sun Bowl – El Paso, TX – Dec 31
South Florida vs Oregon

This game means the most and the least to me personally. Supposedly El Paso is sort of dump-ish, but that won’t stop literally hundreds of people from attending this game.

When Oregon had to rely on a backup QB who doesn’t run (in a spread offense) and a series of redshirt freshmen who played all year on the scout team, they couldn’t really “play football effectively.” That said, they still should’ve beaten Arizona and probably UCLA. They’re completely decimated physically and mentally, which isn’t all that great of a place going into a bowl game, no matter the insignificance.

South Florida beat some teams that were supposedly good, but weren’t as good as they probably should’ve been (Louisville, Auburn) and lost to decent teams. The Big East is pretty terrible, so it’s hard to tell how good they are, and i’m not sure beating Oregon makes a case for them either way.

I just want this game to be over with.

Gaylord Hotels Bowl – Nashville – Dec 31
Kentucky vs Florida State

Right off the bat, it’s always fun to have the word “gaylord” somehow involved in a bowl game. There appears to be many Gaylord options in Nashville, and size doesn’t matter, as you can stay in any Gaylord in the area, big or small, and have a good time.

Andre Woodson, the Kentucky QB, is pretty good, and Kentucky beat LSU in triple OT. They didn’t lose to anybody terrible, but they’re not all that great. Rich Brooks gets bonus points for getting a field named after him after he left Oregon, but that doesn’t really count for anything.

Florida State is not that good at college football. I used to really like watching the old FSU teams, but the recent FSU offense is matched only by the likes of Calabasas High School in its ineptitude (Go Coyotes!)

I’ll probably instead be watching a rerun of Two and a Half Men and I happen to think Two and a Half Men is a pretty unfunny show.

Insight Bowl – Tempe, AZ – Dec 31
Indiana vs Oklahoma State

Remember the good ol’ days of college football when this was the Inisight.com Bowl? I guess they sold the rights to their “.com” to Papa John. That John sure is a marketing genius, isn’t he?

Indiana loaded up on nobodies and became bowl eligible! Yay!

I saw three quarters of Oklahoma State live against Georgia and they looked like they should be good, but they weren’t all that good upon closer inspection. They had a slighty above-average season in a Big 12 conference that isn’t all that impressive, so who knows. Bonus points, though, for a crazy coach, who, and I don’t know if you’ve heard, is 40. Go at him, he’s a man.

The game’s in Tempe, so at least you know somebody’s leaving the bowl with sores or burning sensations, so that’s always fun.

Chick-fil-A Bowl – Atlanta – Dec. 31
Clemson vs Auburn

First of all, I don’t get to have it that often being in LA, but Chick-fil-A is excellent. I’ve probably only had it two or three times in my life, but it’s always in the back of my mind whenever I’m in the south. And yes, I’m strange.

Clemson has two really good running backs, lost to a bad Georgia Tech team (in Atlanta), lost to an overrated Boston College team at home, and lost to a good Virginia Tech team. They’re also coached by a Bowden, so take that for what it’s worth.

The best thing that happened to Auburn all year is that they beat Florida (twice at the end) and their kicker did the Gator Chomp all over the field. Terrific. Unfortunately, they lost to Mississippi State and South Florida (one of 78 former #2 teams). Neither of those teams is bad, but Auburn should be beating those teams year in and year out soundly.

As for the game, I could be convinced to watch it if I had some actual Chick-fil-A (second only to Bojangles Chicken) in front of me.

Outback Bowl – Tampa, FL – Jan. 1
Wisconsin vs Tennessee

It’s New Years Day, so you know what that means…only one Pac-10 team plays thanks to Tom Hansen’s brilliant bowl alignments! Ok, I got that out of me…

Wisconsin was supposed to be good, but didn’t play outside of the Big 10’s reputation for 2007. They were wildly overrated, played decent defense, had a fairly uncreative and uninteresting offense, and lost to the decent teams they played. PJ Hill, their starting RB, is good, but beyond that, this is a boring Big 10 team. Sorry.

Tennessee lost to Cal, which in retrospect, must be pretty embarasssing for both the team and the SEC. Oh well, Cal was better and healthy then. Tennessee benefited from an SEC East that was pretty inconsistent, with the Volunteers being the least inconsistent, but not necessarily consistent, if that makes any sense. They also got embarrassed by a three-loss Florida team and shellacked by an average (if even that) Alabama team.

This is one of those games that Wisconsin probably wins, mostly because Big 10 teams seem to care about winning inconsequential bowl games and lay giant eggs in big ones.

AT&T Cotton Bowl – Dallas – Jan 1
Missouri vs Arkansas

How dare Missouri beat Illinois and Kansas (two BCS bowl teams), only lose to one team (BCS bowl team, Oklahoma, twice), and finish ahead of five teams that got BCS bids! They soundly beat everyone they were supposed to beat and lost to Oklahoma. No shame in that. Missouri has nothing to prove and will probably mail in this game. College Football!

Arkansas has, with apologies to a healthy Oregon backfield, the best duo of RBs in the country. The Razorbacks aren’t bad, but they’re not all that great, either. Luckily, they’re playing a team that doesn’t want to be there, so they’ve got that going for them.

I’m going to miss Houston Nutt, if not just for him being the subject of the ESPN article about the psychotic Arkansas fans that used the Freedom of Information Act to track his every communication. SEC Fans: Taking College Football Way Too Seriously since 1932.

Gator Bowl – Jacksonville, FL – Jan 1
Texas Tech vs Virginia

I enjoy this matchup, just because you get to see two crazy coaches on the same field. By all accounts, Al Groh is crazy curmudgeon, and Mike Leach is a conspiracy theorist who at one point was obsessed with vikings, but continues to be obsessed with a pass-happy spread offense.

Virginia has Howie Long’s son, who is apparently really good. They also barely beat a bunch of mediocre teams. Additionally, they seem to have the softest fan base this side of Westwood, so there’s that.

I might watch this game for the off-chance that Mike Leach goes completely insane.

Captial One Bowl – Orlando – Jan 1
Michigan vs Florida

I haven’t been predicting scores or anything, but this could be the no brainer of the bowl season. Florida should beat the Wolverines by 45, which of course means Michigan will win somehow.

Michigan really isn’t that good at all and I’m not sure they really have anything to play for. It turns out that Chad Henne is only pretty good, not the world beater he supposedly was in the Big 10. Mike Hart, though, I think is a legit RB, albeit one who never appears to blink.

At the very least, there should be at least one Urban Meyer/Dan Mullen ridiculous play call along the lines of “Triple Reverse Statue of Liberty Fumblerooski.” Always fun.

Rose Bowl – Pasadena, CA – Jan 1
Illinois vs USC

Big Daddy Eisner went to Illinois and is very excited that the Illini went from a two win season to the Rose Bowl in one year. He seems to care not that the Illini have earned a trip to the Capital One Bowl and received a Rose Bowl bid, thanks to the generous Rose Bowl committee, who I assume were all old enough to read about Spanish-American War as it was happening. Hurray for Pac-10 vs Big-10, no matter how ridiculous the actual match-up. The Big-10 gets two BCS bids because they pad their schedules better than anyone else! Huzzah!

USC is healthy. Juice Williams is good and will be even better the next couple years, but after January 1, he may get terrible flashbacks every time he hears the word “Maualuga.”

This game, along with the national championship, encapsulates everything that’s wrong with the college football postseason. See you there!

Allstate Sugar Bowl – New Orleans – Jan. 1
Hawaii vs Georgia

I actually have no problem with Hawaii being here. They did everything within the system to get here. Sure, they barely got by terrible teams (Washington, San Jose State, Louisiana Tech, gave up 37 to atrocious Utah State), but they won and did what they needed to do in a flawed system. It also helps that they played nobody (but supposedly tried to) outside of their conference. Another bright, shining reason for a playoff.

I was hoping Georgia would make the national championship after not even making their own conference championship (just to screw everything up), but alas, they did not. I don’t even know who I want to win – if Hawaii wins, we get more non-BCS schools padding their schedules and proving nothing until January, if Georgia wins, Hawaii is the fraud we’ve all thought they were all along.

Lose-Lose.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl – Glendale, AZ – Jan 2
Oklahoma vs West Virginia

Both of these teams looked beatable all year and were in that elite contender category without either being all that great and invincible.

Oklahoma lost to two unranked teams and West Virginia turns the ball over and is fairly injury prone, especially Pat White.

This game may be somewhat interesting – at least you have two good teams playing in a bowl they both deserve to be in. This year, that’s more than you can say about any other BCS game, so I’ll take it.

Note to West Virginia – practice the hook and ladder and statue of liberty all month long.

FedEx Orange Bowl – Miami – Jan 3
Virginia Tech vs Kansas

Year in, year out, Virginia Tech manages to play well in a conference that doesn’t pose too many challenges. They beat the decent teams and generally fold against the respectable ones. I have no idea how good they are.

Luckily, I have even less idea about how good Kansas is, as they lost to the one respectable team they played all year. Luckily, this somehow gets them an invitation to the Orange Bowl. The lesson learned here is always play substandard competition and hope everyone in front of you gags away their collective seasons, as was the case this fall.

This mess of course is being brought to the OB.

International Bowl – Toronto – Jan. 5
Rutgers vs Ball State

I know what people want to see after three BCS games…uh, inferior teams? This game poses one very important question: Will either David Letterman or Tony Soprano make their way up to the Great White North? If not, I probably won’t be watching. Actually, even if they do, I probably won’t watch. Sorry.

GMAC Bowl – Mobile, AL – Jan. 6
Bowling Green vs Tulsa

This game goes to show you just how awesome having 32 bowls is. I mean, how else were we going to see who’s better between Bowling Green and Tulsa. With all the pundits choosing sides, it’ll be nice to settle this epic battle on the field. No more smear campaigns and rumor-mongering, just good old necessary football matchups, like Bowling Green vs Tulsa.

Bowling Green beat Minnesota, but remember, EVERYONE did. Tulsa beat BYU and Houston, both reasonably impressive victories in dominant fashion.

I like the Golden Hurricane over the Falcons in a close one. But really, that just came out of nowhere.

Allstate BCS Championship Game – New Orleans – Jan. 7
LSU vs Ohio State

LSU is here because they’re undefeated in regulation, duh. Oh, but yea, they lost twice in football games. Also, LSU went from 7th to 2nd because people assume they’re the best team in the country, despite what they do on the field. This is fine because, well, why not? It’s college football. LSU can be easily out-coached, but lucky for the Tigers, they play Ohio State, who has beaten, wait, who have they beaten?

Ohio State has clearly left little doubt that they’re the best team (in Ohio) this season. With dominating victories over, get this, Youngstown State, Akron, and Kent State, it’s hard to argue that they’ve had a magical season (against teams in Ohio). Add in their seven home games, a terrifying road game at Pac-10 powerhouse, Washington (last place), a loss to the only decent team on their schedule, and Ohio State has clearly done enough to prove themselves as a team of destiny (in the state of Ohio).

This game doesn’t matter. If LSU wins, what does it mean? If Ohio State wins, what does it mean? Both teams, through a combination of scheduling and fortunate reputations, have stumbled into a position to claim a trophy that, unless won in any sort of fair scheme, means increasingly little.

Huzzah!

End

So that’s all I got, at least tailgating is fun.

Lo Siento (y muchos bullet points)

I’m a terrible person, there’s no better way of explaining my lack of motivation to post here. A lot has transpired over the past few weeks, but I’ll do my best to outline it in a super-mega-extended barrage of bullet points. Sexy!

• I will be producing The College Football Tour Guide for Sports Illustrated at SI.com and SIonCampus.com. The name of the segment has been changed to The College Football Tour Guy (I suspect because of legal reasons), but it really doesn’t matter all that much. I have to bleep out profanity, but in all honesty, I’m one of the biggest fans of bleeped profanity out there. Arrested Development is funnier because of it, and if I can be 1/56,934,524,594,325,237th as funny as Arrested Development, than I’m succeeding. I’ve done four episodes so far and I’m doing 12 in 12 weeks. This year is national, so there’s much more traveling involved, but also much more food and crazy people, which I see as a positive thing. Palo Alto and Tucson are fine, but Athens, GA and Lincoln, NE have been completely insane. I must pace myself. Here are some quick sub-bullets:

• Week One: I went to Athens, GA and hired my buddy Esa to be my cameraman at the Georgia game. It was fun because we had both never been to a southern football game. Plus, he’s Iranian, so there was the off chance that we would be faced with some sort of racism, which is always a blast. Unfortunately, everybody in Georgia was ridiculously pleasant and accepting, and we were met with zero controversy. We were met with gaggles of good looking southern girls. I won’t mention any names, but there will be at least 17 babies born in May 2008 with a Persian baby daddy. Just saying.

• Week Two: Penn State was week two. Driving through central Pennsylvania is the worst possible way to spend a little over three hours. It’s depressing, full of construction, the skies are gray, and there are detours everywhere. Please, if you’re looking for an exciting way to spend a Saturday, do anything else. State College, PA isn’t all that exciting, but it looks to be a little better than the rest of the state. Penn State fans are pretty out of control, but in a less than exciting way. There were plenty of great fans, but they were easily my least favorite group so far. Sorry.

• Week Three: Nebraska. The drive from Omaha/Carter Lake, Iowa (an Omaha Airport Hotel is in Iowa, insane) is uneventful. I went with Yosh Jackman, who shot the ASU episode with me last year. He proved to be good luck again, as somehow we bumped into a Playboy Playmate. I tried to seduce her via uncomfortable snorts and below-average flirtatious questioning, but I got nowhere beyond a business card with a general Playboy office phone number. Yosh’s luck was better, as he gave her multiple orgasms in the middle of that tailgate. Ok, I made that up. Or did I?

• Week Four: This past week was Baton Rouge for LSU, and I was expecting it to be the best week of the season, but it was a day game and people didn’t really seem to care because the Tigers were playing South Carolina. The people were great, I ate extremely well, but it was a little disappointing, mainly because it was just a day game nobody cared about. There was a tropical storm that hit that almost washed us away after we were done shooting. Luckily, we hid under a tree until Yackie informed us that that’s where lightening strikes. We’re not very bright, and by “we,” I mean multi-episode cameraman Casey D. Oh yea, and there’s no reason to ever go to Baton Rouge other to see an LSU football game or eat pistachios and pear bread (fantastic) at Casey’s extended family’s house.

So that’s that so far. The episodes and SI blogs are all linked up if you go to The College Football Tour Guide site.

Ok, enough self-promotion. The new TV season is underway, here’s what I’ve noticed.

• Reaper on the CW is really good. I don’t know how good the rest of the episodes will be without Kevin Smith directing, but I suspect there will be little to no drop-off. I recommend this show.

• I never watched the Hell’s Kitchen show on Fox, but Gordon Ramsay’s new show Kitchen Nightmares (Fox) is really, really good. I’m in, at least for the time being.

• I haven’t given Chuck or Bionic Woman a shot, they have wait and see status with me, sort of like with Heroes last year. For what it’s worth, I’m positive that the Grey’s Anatomy spin-off will faily

• The Big Bang Theory on CBS is an above-average traditional four-camera sitcom. The writing was pretty crisp, but it could easily be a one-joke show about nerdy scientists and good-looking girls. We’ll see. So far, I’m in.

• The premiere of Heroes was pretty good, although I hope Takei lives. He’s Takei, man, Takei!

• The Office premieres tonight with an hour-long episode, that’s the first of four hour long episodes to open up the season. I’m, needless to say, very excited. Sully, meanwhile, will probably bring physical harm to anybody that tries to disturb him tonight between 9-10 pm, and frankly, it’s completely warranted. Also, Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam, has separated from her husband. All I’m saying is that Yackie should be on higher notice than she already is with me parading around SEC tailgates.

• If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you’re probably not my friend. Although, you’re probably my girlfriend. Funny how that works.

• The Hills is A+ this season. It’s clearly all fake and a set up, but it’s too entertaining for me to care. I’m actively hoping for something disastrous to happen to Heidi and Spencer, so clearly the show has me right where they want me.

• Weeds is good, although it’s sort of all over the place. I’m still invested.

• Curb has been average so far, but that’s still better than pretty much everything other than The Office. The first three episodes have been uneven and forced – every plot point doesn’t really flow, and you already start thinking about how it’ll come back. The past few seasons have brought back these plot points seamlessly, while it’s been choppy this year. I’m sure it’ll get better, I’m just picky.

• I tried to watch Tell Me You Love Me, but got bored and just fast-forwarded to the sex scenes. I’m not a big scrotum fan, so I’ve decided to pass on this scrote-fest.

Moving on…

• When the power went out in LA a few weeks ago, I had to move my whole computer set-up to Yackie’s and when I brought it back, my main external hard drive with all my pictures and music fried. Fry’s couldn’t do anything and I don’t want to send it out for like $900 worth of repairs, so I’m sans a lot of music and memories. For instance, will I ever find a set of pictures of a topless, drunk Corndog wielding a copy of the Showgirls DVD? We may never know. Shame.

• I want an iPhone. It’s actually somewhat defensible considering all the traveling I’m now doing. It’s also defensible because it’s totally awesome.

• I want to move.

• I got new sunglasses and they’re still intact. Hooray.

• I want to boogie board. Badly.

• The Dodgers are terrible, I don’t want to talk about it.

(James Loney, 2008 NL MVP)

And, lastly, the Ducks:

• I love Oregon Ducks football. You can say that they’re setting themselves up for a freefall that has become somewhat typical, but I say, in by best Lee Corso accent, “Not so fast!” I also say, in my best Lou Holtz accent, “I still say Notre Dame can win the national championship, and possibly even the Super Bowl.” Actually, if Lou Holtz said it, it would probably just sound like, “Thhhbbbbbbbttttttttt Charlie Weithhhhhhbbbbtttttt.”

Anyway, watching this Oregon team is easily the most fun I’m having this fall, which may actually say more about how pathetic I may be than how good this team is. The shelled Michigan, beat everyone else beyond any doubt, and will destroy a hobbled Cal team this weekend. The Duck defense is suspect, but they’re absolutely trampling people.*

*So long as they don’t start dropping the ball.

Oregon 48 Cal 24.

That’s all for now, I can’t guarantee much, but I’ll update more frequently from now on than my disastrous September showing.

Welcome to the O.C., bitch

So I went to New York for some dealings earlier this week and my return coincided with the arrival of 40% Corduroy Productions‘ own Casey Doolin to Orange County. Sully was kind enough to let me stay in his slightly above-average apartment in Redunzo Beach, CA so that we could go to CD’s uncle’s place on la playa in Newport Beatch, CA.

This is the excitement that was Wednesday in the Pacific time zone.

El Burrito Jr. The locals call it LBJ. I call it by far the best Mexican food I’ve ever had from a stand with a yellow awning in Redondo Beach. No doubt.

Sully had eaten there four of the past five days, clearly giving it his full endorsement.

Fast forward to Newport Beach, where a drug store was, for some reason, selling Duckopoly. Needless to say, Sully endorsed the local availability of college-themed board games.

We then had to kill time, and agreed to only buy more food if it were dipped in hardening chocolate first. We got lucky.

For reasons unclear to everyone but Sully, he opted for the giant frozen wedge of cheesecake dipped in chocolate and then rolled in candy crumbs. I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t the same the rest of the day.

Rubenstein = dunzo.

Sully = dunzo, but with a struggle.

The sand and the beach houses. You know how Bono goes to war-torn areas to learn and then raise awareness? I do the same thing, but only the opposite.

Handsome. I both boogie and body boarded that day. Some say it’s just a matter of unmatched water sport versatility. Wait a minute, no, everyone says that.

Casey Doolin. He mastered the wedge on his body board.

Sully needed fin assistance because he’s roughly the same weight as a pop warner scatback.

Great waves that day. Once again, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a transcendent ride on a wave early on. It was a wave….unlike any other. On CBS.

The end. Possible Parte Dos con JugoBox next week, stay tuned.

Fotografias, Parte Dos

This is part deux. Unfortunately, due to legal issues, I’m unable to post the pictures I just took at the Playboy Mansion celebrating The College Football Tour Guide. Sorry.

The Birthday Fiesta

Yackie made a cookie cake. If you’ve outgrown cookie cake, chances are I don’t associate with you. Efforts to convince Yackie to include my full name in frosting went unfulfilled.

Guns.

You’ll notice the lovely kitchen that couldn’t possibly be mine. My parents were kind enough to let me move all my crap into the casa while waiting to move to the other coast. You’ll also notice that Sully has what appears to be a male gunt (munt?).

One of the central themes to this gala was the Chickadilla. I shouldn’t have to explain what a chickadilla is (triangular chicken finger, quesadilla hybrid), but let it be known that it trumps most other Americanized Italian fast-food appetizers. Pictured: Yackie in the midst of a chickadasm.

Big Daddy Eisner chickadasm. You’ll notice the subtlety and grace with which he eats his chickadilla. Some attribute this to his dipping choice of ranch dressing. Others say he takes Ameci‘s appetizers far too seriously. We may never know.

KtL‘s first chickadilla. I can’t say for sure, but I think Sully loves her a little more after witnessing two of his favorite things in life come together in one magical moment. Sully, in particular, is one of the biggest proponents of the chickadilla in the Greater Los Angeles Area may ever see.

See. Such style, such decisiveness. If you ask me, it’s a wonder he stayed on the market as long as he did. KtL truly has a late round steal in Kevin Sully.

When I blow out birthday candles, I make as much of an effort to appear as primate-y as possible. Just my thing.

Big Daddy Eisner, on the other hand, get’s so excited that his pits explode with anticipation sweat. Miller Time appears to be in drastic need of seconds.

Woo.

The combination of too much chickadilla (some say this phenomena doesn’t exist), too much pizza, too much alcohol, too much cookie cake, and too much milk mixing with all of this wasn’t smart. I’ll save you the details of my night. We’ll leave it at saying that my religious pleas went answered, albeit barely.

The Birthday Dia

Yackie and I decided to go to Ventura for a couple hours for the ol’ 24th birthday. This is the Anacapa Brewing Co., whose greatness was discovered by Yackie and Me, and later confirmed by Sully and KtL. Rating: 5 out of 5 Steinies.

Pulled pork, duh. I get so transfixed by this sandwich that I suck out all of the light behind me. I really have no idea why it seems so cavernous behind me – it looks as if we had to know some sort of password and kill a hobo to get into this place, but I assure you, everything was on the level.

Yackie with her sandwich. She got so excited over this sandwich that she turned pale with excitement. Oh wait, never mind, standard pigmentation.

Artsy fartsy and out of focus. Just how I like it.

Hobo-killing darkness!!

When one reaches 24, he must understand that it’s probably time to start acting more adult and celebrate occasions accordingly. Or so I’m told. Here is some mini-golf and go-karting.

Yackie kept it surprisingly close, considering her lack of wingspan, upside, and athleticism. She’s got what you can’t teach (no, not heart) – sheer luck.

Her form is remarkably below-average, although she makes up for it by viciously cheating with absolutely no remorse. I should probably make a mental note of this.

I never felt weird mini-golfing that day, mostly because we were playing behind the lead singer of Nickelback‘s skinnier, terrible mini-golf playing cousin.

Unmatched focus. Sure, I may have held up some little kids looking to keep moving, but you can’t rush perfection. You just can’t.

Call me a hippy, but I stand by my separation of church and mini-golf ethos.

Look at that form. If Big Daddy Eisner were there, his pits would’ve exploded with form-envy sweat. I closed out the round late, proving once again that my upside and wingspan trumps Yackie’s ability to luck into putts and viciously cheat without remorse.

To celebrate, I sped around in a go-kart that I barely fit into. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t drive the Cole Trickle way. Rubbing=racing, just ask Big Daddy Eisner’s daddy, Big Red Eisner.

Almost the entire race was spent in second place, or as it’s more correctly coined – first place loser. Back to the drawing board I go.

Good times were had by all. I couldn’t catch the first kart, Yackie refused to kart, I bumped somebody illegally while gaining inside position, and my picture is now probably on an “Unwelcome Parties” list at Golf-n-Stuff. Oh well, there’s always next year.

Fotografias, Parte Uno

So here are some photographs and explanations taken within the last couple weeks or so. I have no exuses. Click clack.

The Beach

The beach with Yackie, Shannonanonanonanaonaonan, her boyfriend, and his buddy. You can only see the boogie boards we rocked that day (not Yackie) and the water. Not pictured: the ocean water that was streaming out of my nose for the better part of five hours.

I’m on the left with the white stripes on my bathing suit. The waves seemed decent (for me anyway), I got a couple rides, got tossed a few times, and even had the pleasure of completely mistiming a wave and getting slapped way harder than I could have ever anticipated in the back. Hilarity ensued, sort of.

Palm Springs

Yackie and I went to Palm Springs a little while ago, mainly because I got her a short getaway as a graduation gift for getting her masters. I chose Palm Springs because it meant a nice resort for not so much, considering it was 116ish in the desert. I’m such a classy guy…

…as seen here, as I’m barreling down the Hyatt waterslide with absolutely zero regard for the my or anybody else’s safety around me. I rule.

To nobody’s surprise (and by that, I mean me), Yackie didn’t attack the slide like she should have. She almost refused to go on. This girl is like 73 inside, I swear.

What’s the good of a waterslide if you can’t reveal your college sports affiliations to the immediately surrounding world? No good I say, no good.

Me opening up a can of awesome cannonball.

Yackie ripping open a smaller, similarly enthusiastic can of cannonball.

Yackie’s meal at a tremendous restaurant in Palm Desert. You won if you had the over of zero in the category of number of fried items Yackie would order. She shocked the world with her rolled taco decision.

I only shocked few with my decision to roll the dice on my first ever three item combo. All three items were stellar in taste, presentation, and their collective abilities to physically stabilize me for a good four hours.

Yackie taking down a margarita that had little to no alcohol in it. She’s usually gone after a few sips, but was coherent the rest of the evening. Well, as coherent as she gets, I suppose.

The next day at an Elephant Bar in Palm Desert, Yackie ate 70% of a mud pie that can only be described as “torso-esque.”

Sully + Me + Tennis Tournament

A little after PS, Sully and I went to the Countrywide Classic, an underwhelming men’s tennis event at UCLA.

The night started strong with a trip to The Apple Pan, a famous burger counter in the “Don’t You Even Dare Park Here” district of beautiful Los Angeles.

The burger was good, but merely above average, nothing world-shattering. I had been before with Big Daddy Eisner, but it had been awhile.

Sully putting the moves on his apple pie. Some say this sort of thing would classify as weird. Others would say really weird. In other news, my pecan pie was excellent.

Our view. We had free seats and sat in a good section. Other than James Blake nearly crapping his pants for the last 30 minutes for the match, a good time was had.

Blake serving. Not pictured: after the match ended, a group of people demonstrated “Cardio Tennis,” a set of drills intended to add more cardiovascular elements to tennis drills. The drills were bad, the players demoing them were embarrassingly bad, so needless to say, I, along with some like-minded patrons, heckled a group of excited, innocent players mercilessly. It had to be done, ask Sully.

Parte Dos, mañana.